My wedding anniversary is coming up. It's been five years and I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting.
I know five years is only a drop in the bucket, but I still feel fortunate to have made it this far. Now don't get me wrong! I am not feeling fortunate to have made five years due to marriage being so hard or my husband being so difficult. NO! Quite the opposite! My husband is a beautifully loving, supportive and hard working man. The challenges we face are the normal ones that come with the territory. How come at the end of the month we never have any money left? Have you seen my work shirt? Your mother is coming over? Again? Who is going to give the kid a bath? I'm tired. You're tired. We need a vacation. It's annoying the way you put the laundry away. How come I'm the only one that does the dishes? We're going to be late. I hate being late! Can we afford that? Who drank all the ...? I love how you leave me to freeze on the edge of the bed while you are wrapped up in ALL the blankets in the middle of the bed. You know, normal stuff.
Where I feel fortunate is within myself. I am a survivor. Not, the Destiny Child's kind. Well.... now that I think of some of the lyrics, maybe so. Hmmm.... Ok, I'm back. I am a survivor of some things that could make me hard to be married to, and I'll leave it at that for now. This man finding me 11 years ago, standing his ground, taking the time to listen and rising to the challenge of knocking down my walls (layers and layers of them), making me trust him and not disappearing because I was too intense, or taking too long, or whatever, is the best version of a Superhero I have ever seen.
I have traumatic anniversaries around this time of year, they tend to start in January. My feelings get extremely hurt by people. I go through emotional struggles with dysfunctional relationships with close family. I have intense nightmares. I'm overly anxious. I withdraw from people. I get angry. I cry... a lot. So, how is this making me feel fortunate? Well, I got married in March. Next, I found out I was pregnant in February. Now I have five years of happy anniversaries and a little person that I push myself to be better for everyday.
All of this to say that trauma is gradually being replaced with happiness. I wish I could say that I don't feel those negative things anymore, but I can't. (hence the hard to be married to me part) However, when people say or do things that hurt me, I now have him in my corner. When I go through those dysfunctional things I have him to help me decipher the should do's from the "Nah, sit this fight out" 's. When I have nightmares I wake up to his face telling me I'm safe. When I'm anxious I feel his hand on the small of my back that makes me breathe. When I want to withdraw I have someone that knows when to pull me forward or when to fall back with me and wait it out. When I get angry, he lets me. (just for a time;)) When I cry, I have a shoulder that's strong enough to carry my tears. "Who is she married to, Superman?" Yup! No, really, we both have a love for our Creator that gives us " a power beyond what is normal". It heals, protects and strengthens. However, being a girl without a father and not being a stranger to abuse, it means more than words could express to see a man perfectly imperfectly show me physically, tangibly what I read on how a heavenly Father wants me to understand what love truly is. It makes sense when I say it in my head... I think you gather the meaning.:D (I need emoji's on here! I am starting to realize how much I speak in emoji!) In return I do my best. That's all I can give him, my best 'in the healing process' self.
There you have it, my five year milestones, happiness, peace, safety, gratitude. So, Happy Anniversary Superman and thank you for being my superhero!